Advent Children on Crack
by ShadowBloodRunner
Summary: Cloud is an emo milkman. Tifa is a body builder. Vincent is a ballerina. Aerith is a vampire. Poor Cloud.
1. Chapter 1

Advent Children on Crack

**  
Just a little side note: Again, I own NOTHING here except the utterly pointless story that is about to take place. As of today, I realize that I need a life and have no intentions on getting one. Maybe the next story will have somewhat of a better plotline...**

RANDOMNESS!!!

oOoOoOo

THE CHARACTER LIST!

**  
THE MAIN CHARACTERS**

**Cloud**: Emo Milkman  
**Tifa**: Bodybuilder  
**Vincent**: Ballet Dancer/Flower Boy  
**Aerith**: A Vampire  
**Red XIII**: A firefighter/Walking contradiction  
**Yuffie**: Annoying, Bad Lawyer/Superhero in disguise  
**Cait Sith**: A Crayon  
**Cid**: Cancer patient  
**Marlene**: Evil Overlord

**THE SHINRA CHARACTERS**

**Rufus Shinra**: Bipolar/Schizophrenic mental institution escapee  
**Reno**: A Singer (Sounds like Gackt)  
**Rude**: Reno's backup dancer (Oh GAWD...)

**THE SHM**

**Kadaj**: Housemaid/Jenova's Witness  
**Yazoo**: Transvestite/Cloud's Therapist/Jenova's Witness  
**Loz**: Steroid Advertiser/Jenova's Witness  
**Sephiroth**: Likes to wear baby bonnets  
**Jenova**: A talking box who made babies somehow... Eww.

Now, let's begin.

**CHAPTER ONE** oOoOoOo

**Cloud**: -sigh- I hate milk... Almost as much as I hate my life. I want to die. Maybe I should drown myself in milk...

-Cloud knocks on a door to make a delivery-

**Tifa**: GRRRRRR WHAT DO YOU WANT?  
**Cloud**: -shrinks- Uh... Here's your milk... Uh, Ma'am, I guess?  
**Tifa**: AHH, YES, MILK - ESSENTIAL FOR BUILDING MUSCLES. THANK YOU LITTLE MAN!  
**Cloud**: Uh... Tifa? Are you okay? Your muscles are bigger than your- ... Uh... Nevermind. See ya.  
**Tifa**: GOOD BYE!

-Cloud walks away and continues on his daily route-

**Cloud**: I wonder... If I smash a milk glass and stab myself with it... Will it kill me? Hmm...

-Wanders up to the next door and knocks-

**Vincent**: -girly voice- Ooh! Why, hello Cloud! I see you have my milk! -twirls around- I just picked you a nice bouquet of flowers! Here!

-Vincent hands over bouquet-

**Cloud**: Uh... Thanks. It's not like it matters... They're gonna die if I touch them anyway.

-Cloud touches bouquet-

**Flowers**: AAAACK!!! WE'RE MELLLLTING!!! HIS EMONESS IS JUST TOO INSANE!!! MELLLTingggg... -dies-  
**Cloud**: -sigh- Sorry, Vincent, I guess my Emo Aura is just too strong today.  
**Vincent**: Oh, cheer up my lovely emo friend! At least the flowers haven't disintegrated completely or anythin-

-Flowers disappear-

**Cloud**: ...  
**Vincent**: -back to man voice- Okay, go away now. You're worse than I was.

-Cloud walks away-

**Cloud**: -sigh- Oh well. Maybe Aerith will be able to lift my spirits a little bit.

-Cloud walks up to the door- -Knocks- -The door creaks open by itself. Cloud is greeted by a voice from within.-

**Voice**: ENTER.  
**Cloud**: ...WTF. Am I in the wrong house?

-Aerith emerges from the darkness wearing completely black-

**Aerith**: Ah, it's you.  
**Cloud**: ...  
**Aerith**: What's the problem, Cloud? -eerie voice-  
**Cloud**: Uh...  
**Aerith**: -goes all demonic- OUT WITH IT.  
**Cloud**: -shrinks even smaller- Here's your milk byeeeee!!!! -turns around to run out the door-

-door slams shut-

**Aerith**: Oh, you won't be leaving just yet... MwahahahahahaAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! -vanish-

-Will Cloud be able to escape the evil wrath of Aerith the vampire? And will he be able to deliver all of the milk before it's too late? And better yet, will he be able to get through the entire story without CUTTING HIMSELF? Find out next time, fools.-


	2. Chapter 2

Advent Children on Crack 2!!

Side note blah blah: I own nothing except this pointless random story. Oh! And I have an apology... I do realize that some people don't like this "chat room" format, but it's just easier for me to write this way. Don't worry, not all my stories will be written in this manner. But, unfortunately, I don't think it would be wise to begin here in regular format... That would be odd. Anyways, thanks for all of your comments! More to come!

CHAPTER TWO!! oOoOoOo

**Aerith**: MwahahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! -vanish-

**Cloud**: Uh... Aerith? Are you okay?

**Aerith**: -appears behind him and attempts to bite him-

**Cloud**: ACK! WTF!? -jumps away-

**Aerith**: -evilishly- What's wrong, Cloud?

**Cloud**: ... I told you already, I don't swing that way.

**Aerith**: ...

**Cloud**: ... Wow, don't act so surprised.

**Aerith**: Wow... You just took the fun out of it. Okay, you can go now.

-swiftly turns around and starts to run away-

**Aerith**: WAIT.

**Cloud**: -halts-

**Aerith**: Leave the milk.

-Cloud drops her milk and sprints out the door-

**-MEANWHILE, AT MARLENE'S EVIL LAIR OF DEATH...-**

-Marlene paces back and fourth in her overlord cloak that is too big for her-

**Marlene**: Hmm... How am I going to stop them...

-Hojo appears-

**Hojo**: Might I suggest something, Master Marlene?

**Marlene**: ... WTF are you doing here? You're not even on the character list!

**Hojo**: Well... I am now. -revises character lists-

**Marlene**: -heavy sigh- Well, if you're going to randomly appear in a story, at LEAST do something useful...

**Hojo**: Like what, be annoying and not pay my share of the rent? And after that I'll cry about it as I'm kicked out of the hotel room?

**Marlene**: ... What the heck are you talking about? This evil overlord mansion is NOT a hotel.

**Hojo**: Nevermind... Bad memories.

**Marlene**: Okay, you said you had a plan?

**Hojo**: Yes I do.

**Marlene**: Go on. -goes to sit in gigantic overlord chair-

**Hojo**: Ah yes. -adjusts glasses- It has come to my attention that there has been a recent increase in milk deliveries... This could only be because of one person...

**Marlene**: And that person is...?

**Hojo**: Emo Cloud.

**Marlene**: -long, drawn out gasp-

**Hojo**: Therefore, he must be eliminated.

**Marlene**: Okay, so what's your plan?

**Hojo**: ... That IS my plan.

**Marlene**: WHAT is your plan?

**Hojo**: Eliminate him.

**Marlene**: HOW?

**Hojo**: ...

**Marlene**: GRRRRRRRRRR...

CENSORED DUE TO THE GRAPHIC NATURE OF THIS NEXT SCENE

-Meanwhile, let's see how Emo Cloud is doing.-

**Cloud**: -sigh- Okay. Next I have to deliver this batch to Cid in the hospital... Maybe I'll get hit by a truck or something before I get there.

-rides elevator and listens to elevator music- -starts to dance-

-elevator door opens as people look in and stare at him-

**Cloud**: ... Sorry. -leaves elevator-

-Cloud walks into Cid's room and sees him hooked up to intense life support mechanisms-

**Cid**: HEYYY!!! What's happenin' -coughcough- Cloud? How ya -coughcough- been?

**Cloud**: Uh... Just peachy. Anyway, here's your order.

**Cid**: Ah, fantastic. -coughcough- Anyways, I have a favor to ask.

**Cloud**: What is it?

**Cid**: I need you to reach into my back pocket.

**Cloud**: _Uh... When I said I didn't swing "that way" I didn't mean I swung THAT way..._

**Cid**: Come on, Cloud! -coughcough-

**Cloud**: Uh... Okay...

-reaches into Cid's back pocket- -pulls out a small box and hands it to Cid-

**Cid**: Aww, thanks, -coughcough- man. You're a pal.

**Cloud**: Cid? What exactly is in that box?

**Cid**: Why, cigarettes of course! What'd ya think?

-Cloud spots sign above the door-

**Sign**: CANCER UNIT.

**Cloud**: ... Well, good luck with that, buddy.

**Cid**: -takes a puff- -coughcoughCOUGHcoughcough- Thanks, -coughcough- man!!

**Cloud**: -while walking out- ... Idiot. I always knew it's be the death of him... Lucky guy.

-So, Cloud STILL hasn't been able to make all of his deliveries. How long is it going to take him? Who knows! What surprises does little Marlene have in store for him? Which brings us to another question... How many puffs does it take to get to the death of Cid? Find out next time, fools.-


	3. Chapter 3

**Advent Children on Crack 3!!!**

Ah, yes... I never get bored of this... Thanks for your comments everyone! Sorry I've been so lazy --; I've been ÜBER busy...

Side note: Do I even HAVE to say it? -sigh- I own nothing here except the story. The characters all belong to Square Enix and I take no credit for them.

CHAPTER THREE!! oOoOoOo

-We last left Cloud as he was leaving the hospital after retrieving Cid's cigarettes. We join him again as he merrily skips along the road with his little milk wagon!!-

**Cloud**: -sigh- I hate my job... I hate milk... I hate life... Kill me please...

-Suddenly, there is a HUGE explosion coming from the hospital that Cid is in.-

**Hospital**: BOOM!!!!!

**Cloud**: W-what? Oh, crap!! CID!!!

-He runs back into the hospital searching for him.-

**Cloud**: Cid? Cid!! Where are you!?

**Cid**: Over -coughcoughcoughcoughcoughCOUUUUUGHcough- here, man!!

**Cloud**: Cid!! What just happened?

**Cid**: I'll -coughcough- Have to tell you -coughcoughcough- later!! Come -coughcoughcough- ON!!

**Cloud**: Okay, come on!

-Cloud pushes Cid out of the hospital on his stretcher-

Cloud: -huffhuffhuff- Okay, Cid. What happened?

Cid: Uh... I'm not -coughcough- ...Sure you really wanna know. -cough-

Cloud: -angry face- Cid...

Cid: Okay, okay. I lit my ciggy and the place blew!!!

Cloud: --;

Cid: Oh, come on, don't -coughcoughcough- look at me like that...

Cloud: Cid, there is a REASON for the No Smoking sign... a REASON, CID!!!!

Cid: Well... Yeah I know, but they -coughcoughhackcough- wouldn't let me leave the room... Said something about my -coughcoughcough- lungs not being able to handle the stress of walking or something...

Cloud: Oh yeah, and smoking is REALLY gonna make it ALL better now, isn't it?

Cid: ...-cough-

Cloud: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT KIND OF TROUBLE YOU'RE IN!? THE HOSPITAL'S PROBABLY GOING TO PRESS CHARGES!!

Cid: I think you mean... -cough- WE'RE in.

Cloud: And how do you figure that one?

Cid: You're the one who -coughcough- passed me my cig's.

Cloud: ... Oh, crap... You're right...

-Meanwhile, back at MARLENE'S EVIL LAIR OF DEATH...-

Marlene: Oh, that's interesting.

Hojo: What's interesting?

Marlene: The hospital just blew up.

Hojo: Oh, that's nice.

Marlene: ...

Hojo: ...?

Marlene: Are you really THAT clueless?

Hojo: Uh... Why?

Marlene: -headwall- Don't you see? This is the perfect time to put PLAN A into effect.

Hojo: Oh, that's nice.

Marlene: ...

Hojo: ...?

Marlene: You really have no idea what the plan consists of, do you?

Hojo: Nope!

Marlene: -HEADWALLTWICE-

Hojo: You're killing brain cells.

Marlene: I DON'T CARE!!! JUST LISTEN!!

-lightning strikes and thunder booms-

Hojo: -twitchtwitch-

Marlene: Good... Now that I have your attention... Here's the plan.

-Back with Cloud and Cid...-

Cloud: WHY THE HELL DID YOU START SMOKING IN THE FIRST PLACE!??

Cid: IT WAS THE -COUGHCOUGHCOUGH- COOL THING AT THE TIME!

Cloud: COOL? YOU THINK DYING IS COOL!? DO YOU REALLY WANT TO DIE, CID?

Cid: I could ask you the same question. -coughcough-

Cloud: ... Good one.

Voice from above: Look! Up in the sky! It's not a bird... It's not a plane!! But it most certainly IS the most attractive young ninja superhero of her time...

Cloud: ...

Cid: ...-coughcoughcough-

Voice from above: -lands on ground- It's... ME!!

Cloud: Who's... "Me"?

Yuffie: "Me" as in, ME!! I'm the great ninja Yuffie, and I'm here to save the day! Now, where's the danger? I'll stop it!!

Cloud and Cid: -blank expression-

Yuffie: Uh... Why are you looking at me like that?

Cloud and Cid: -points at burning building-

Cloud: Yuffie... Are you... High?

Yuffie: Yup! I sure am! See? -flies away-

Cloud: Not what I mean... _Is she stupid?_

Cid: _Yes, -coughcough- she is._

Cloud: _W-wait! How are you in my MIND?_

Cid: _I think this whole lung cancer thing -coughcough- gave me the ability to do this!_

Cloud: _NO WAY! I'm SO jealous!!_

Cid: _Yeah, I guess it's pretty cool._

-Cloud and Cid both continue to stare at each other while talking through their minds and confusing the hell out of Yuffie when they both randomly burst into laughter at a joke that Cloud made about her.-

Yuffie: ... You guys need a life. Anyways, I'm off to save the day!! -flies off-

-Wow, not a SINGLE delivery in this episode! What sorts of new surprises await our hero now? What is this dreaded "Plan A", and who is Yuffie... Really? Find out next time, fools.-


	4. Chapter 4

**Advent Children on Crack FOUR!!!**

WOW has it been a while...

Sorry. I kind of neglected it for a while. And when I say a while... I mean months. Sorry. BUT... I'm back. And listening to Blaqk Audio, The Chemical Brothers and MSI while writing this... So there is a possibility of some random oddness.

Alright... Here goes nothing.

**oOoOoOoOo**

* * *

-We last left our hero staring on in disbelief to the sky, watching as the Great Ninja Yuffie flies away.-

**Cloud**: So...  
**Cid**: -coughcoughHACK.-  
**Cloud**: ... You think we should-  
**Cid**: RUN AWAY?  
**Cloud**: YEAH.  
**Cid**: OKAY.-Cid starts running, coughs, and trips.-  
**Cloud**: ...Well, aren't we just the portrait of grace?  
**Cid**: -Dead.-  
**Cloud**: Wait...  
**Cid**: -Dead.-  
**Cloud**: OH CRAP!!! NOOOO!!!  
**Cid**: -Dead.-  
**Cloud**: ... ALL OF MY MILK BOTTLES BROKE WHEN THE HOSPITAL EXPLODED! DAMNIT CID!!!  
**Cid**: -Dead.-  
**Cloud**: That's it, I'm outta here...

-Cloud leaves.-

-Meanwhile, let us join the SHM in their shell temple, where you will kindly notice everyone except Sephiroth praising a box.-

**Kadaj**: ALL HAIL JENOVA.  
**Yazoo**: JENOVA THE MIGHTY MOTHER.  
**Loz**: I'VE BEEN DENIED ALL THE BEST ULTRA-SEX!!

-Kadaj and Yazoo both give a rather blunt stare at Loz.-

**Loz**: ... FAGGOTFAGGOTFAGGOTFAGGOT!!!!!  
**Kadaj**: -Ignoring Loz's song- Wait a moment...  
**Yazoo**: What is it, Brother?  
**Kadaj**: Why... What are we doing?  
**Yazoo**: What do you mean?  
**Kadaj**: I mean... Why are we here?  
**Yazoo**: Well, you see... When a man and a woman like each other very very much, they decide to-  
**Kadaj**: NO. DON'T SAY IT. I mean think about it. A MAN and a WOMAN like each other, they make babies that look like a MAN or WOMAN. But... When a MAN and a BOX like each other... You get us.  
**Yazoo**: What do you mean?  
**Kadaj**: What do you THINK I mean? Look down.  
**Yazoo**: At what?  
**Kadaj**: EXACTLY.  
**Yazoo**: ... OH WHAT-EVER. Housemaid.  
**Kadaj**: SHUTUP. YOU'RE JUST JEALOUS BECAUSE I LOOK DAMN GOOD IN THE FRILLY DRESS.  
**Loz**: Would you guys stop fighting already? These pills don't work in an uneasy environment, OKAY?  
**Yazoo**: Dude... You know that's illegal, right?  
**Loz**: So? I'll hunt 'em down with mah GUNZZZ.

-Loz strikes a pose.-

**Kadaj**: You know, if you keep using those, you're going to end up like Yazoo.  
**Loz**: What do you mean?  
**Kadaj**: Look down.  
**Loz**: At what?  
**Kadaj**: Exactly.  
**Loz**: I don't get it.  
**Kadaj**: Yes, of course you don't.

-Suddenly, the three brothers hear a strange beat coming from the black lake.-

**Kadaj**: What is that?  
**Yazoo**: ... I have no idea.  
**Loz**: It's kind of...  
**Yazoo**: Catchy?  
**Loz**: Yeah!  
**Kadaj**: -Suspicious face-  
**Yazoo**: Nii-san?

-Kadaj walks up to the lake and notices all manner of evil fishies moving to the beat. There is one fish in front of all the others, swimming beside a small salmon, and a beat boxing blowfish.-

**Fatlip** **the** **Fish**: Hello, boys and girls. My name is Fatlip. And this is my friend, Sammy the Salmon.  
**Sammy**: How dee do.  
**Fatlip**: Today we're going to teach you some fun facts about salmon, and a brand new dance.

-The SHM all look at each other.-

**Fatlip**: Let me introduce to you a brand new dance  
I know you gonna love it if you give it one chance  
Its not complicated, its not too hard  
You don't even have to be a hip-hop star!  
See anyone can do it, all you need is style  
Listen up, I'm gonna show you how  
Put your hands to the side, and silly as it seems  
Shake your body like a salmon floating up stream

**Evil Fishy Chorus**: I float up stream!!  
You know how we do it  
You know how we do it again...

**Sammy**: All my peeps spend part of their life in fresh water and part of their life in salt water.  
**Fatlip**: Wow, very interesting  
**Sammy**: They change round a couple of days after spawning, then we die.  
**Fatlip**: When I first did the salmon all the people just laughed  
They looked around and stood like I was on crack  
I heard somebody say out loud  
"What the fk is that? This n's dancing like a fish, while he's doing the snap"  
But the more I kept doing it, the more they were feeling it  
Then I heard some bitches saying "that n's killing it"  
By the end of the night, everyone was on my team  
And the whole club was dancing like a salmon swimming up stream!

**Evil Fishy Chorus**: I float up stream!!  
You know how we do it  
You know how we do it again...

-By this point, the SHM all have their arms straight at their side, wiggling violently.-

**Sammy**: Most of our friends find home waters by sense of smell, which is even more key than that of a dog or a bear.  
**Fatlip**: Wow.  
**Sammy**: My family also rely on ocean currents, tides, the gravitational pull of the moon.  
**Fatlip**: The moon? Fish pay attention to the moon?! Wow. Who knew?  
I float up stream...  
**Sammy**: Did you know...  
**Fatlip**: What?  
**Sammy**: ...That I could go to Japan?  
**Fatlip**: You're kidding me? Amazing. Geez.  
**Sammy**: Polluted water can kill both baby salmon that are developing and the adult salmon that are on their way to spawn.  
**Fatlip**: Wow, what a shame. What a shame. Huh.  
Hey, kids, give it up for Sammy the Salmon and his amazing salmon dance. Huh, what ya say? Alright. Who's hungry?

-Loz is now on the ground, wiggling violently. Yazoo is standing and wiggling, and Kadaj has somehow managed to snap out of it.-

**Kadaj**: WTF!?!?

-He smacks Yazoo.-

**Yazoo**: WTF!?!?  
**Kadaj**: HAHAHAHAH!!! YOU LOOKED REDICULOUS! YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN YOUR FACE!!  
**Yazoo**: SILENCE, YOU SHEEPISH MAN!!!  
**Kadaj**: Why... Jealous?  
**Yazoo**: ... Shut up.

-Meanwhile, back at Marlene's evil lair...-

**Marlene**: DRATS! My evil salmon plot failed. How could I have trusted Hojo with such a task as to create evil hypnotizing fishes for the sole purpose of obtaining the powers of the SHM and using them to destroy Emo Cloud and stop him once and for all from delivering the milk so that the world will be milkless FOREVERRRRR...  
**Hojo**: Marlene, you really need to work on your proper grammar. What you just said is what many would call a run on sentence.  
**Marlene**: DO YOU THINK I CARE!?  
**Hojo**: You should. It's in the handbook that all evil overlords should have proper grammar and a vast vocabulary.  
**Marlene**: Eat st. I'm doing a fine job. Better than you could do.  
**Hojo**: Now I would like you to use a different word than "fine" in that sentence.  
**Marlene**: ARE YOU FKN SERIOUS!?  
**Hojo**: Yes.  
**Marlene**: -Sigh- FINE. I am do-ing an exc-ell-ent job.  
**Hojo**: That's much better.

-Haven't heard much from Cloud at all this go around... He must be on his way back for more milk bottles. But what surprises await when he returns to the factory? And how much will Marlene's vocabulary expand? Find out next time, fools.-


End file.
